November 10, 2007

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Licking Your Knives

Some time around the age of six, when I was finally old enough that I was allowed to cut my own food, I began licking knives. Not all the time, not when company is around, and almost never when out to eat, but sometimes, when little bits of something delicious are clinging to my knife, I'll raise it up to my mouth and lick the knife. My mother was not pleased.

"David!" my mother would say, "you're going to cut your tongue!" I swear she says that every single time I lick a knife, and has done so from my childhood to the present. And I suppose that, when I first began licking knives, I was probably really careful about it. And of course, my mother's everpresent shrieks of fear for my wittle tongue probably made me cautious as well. But after twenty years or so of licking knives, it's now almost automatic. I skilfully brandish the laden knife, and with a flick of my wrist, the knife moves up toward my mouth while my tongue simultaneously prepares for licking. In a single fluid motion, the flat of the blade passes over my tongue while my tongue rasps against it, catching every last bit of flavor before the knife returns to the table. The whole thing lasts an instant, and it's all just muscle memory. I've done it probably 10,000 times (approximately 7000 of which were followed by mother saying, "David! Don't do that! You're going to cut your tongue!"). I'm no longer wary of it, no longer careful.

And then tonight, finally, at long last, I fulfilled my mother's prophecy. For the first time in all my years of casual knife-licking, I cut my tongue!

Of course, it did have to be the sharpest knife I own, a razor sharp Wusthof 8" utility knife that I hone almost daily. Apparently no lesser knife can penetrate my skin. And I'm kinda disappointed, but it was not even a bad cut. It bled slightly for a mere thirty seconds or so. The knife didn't suffer much either. But even if it was barely more than a papercut, it happened! She was finally fucking right. Why, oh why didn't I listen to her? Why didn't I heed her warnings?

Posted at November 10, 2007 3:01 AM | Comments (2)

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