March 7, 2007
View Comments | Post CommentThere Exists Only One Haircut, And It Isn't The One You Want
After many years of getting haircuts at barbers, I've finally come to a realization. When the barber asks you how you want it cut, whatever you say is all just for show. He's just gonna give you The Cut anyway. The Cut varies from person to person, but not from haircut to haircut. No matter what I say at that point, I come out with the exact same haircut.
Specifically, that haircut is far too short on the top, and a bit too faded on the sides and back. Which is exactly the cut I got yesterday.
The barber said, "How do you want it cut today?"
My hair was quite long (by my standards), but, not wanting to get The Cut yet again, I told him, "Trim the sides, and just a little bit of a trim on the top. No shorter than like a 4 on the sides."
So first he used a 4 on the sides. Then he faded it down to a 3, and even a 2 at the very bottom. Had I asked for that? No. He was giving me The Cut. Sure enough, he cut about an inch and a half off the top. That might not sound like much to you girls, but that's about 2/3 of the hair I had. Not exactly a slight trim.
And so, when he was done, it looked like this:
I'm convinced at this point, that whatever I had told him, it still would have looked like that. If I had said, "I'm trying to grow a ponytail. Don't touch anything, just trim it around the ears," it would have looked like this:
If I had told him, "Shave it all off," it would have looked like this:
If I had told him, "Business in the front, party in the back," it would have looked like this:
If I'd said, "Actually, I'm not here for a haircut. Can you just trim my beard for me, please" it would have looked like this:
Essentially, one has two options: 1) Do you desire the services of the barber? If yes, your entire haircut has already been decided for you. 2) Some barbers will also ask whether you want the back squared or tapered. The only reason you are given that choice is that they know you don't actually care.
"Do I want it squared or tapered? Well, Barber, the entire time people will spend looking at the back of my head throughout the length of this haircut is less than the time you're going to spend cutting it right now. Which means you're going to be looking at it more than anyone else. So I invite you to square or taper the back in whatever fashion is most pleasing to your Barberial aesthetics."
And then, to top it all off, the damn barber cut me with the straight razor! That's never happened before. He pulled the straight razor out of the Barbicide, this bright blue germ-killing liquid that looks like it was scooped out of the lagoon at the Putt-Putt course, and started going to town on my neck, and sure enough, at the end, cut me. To be fair, the nick he gave me was smaller than the average cut I give myself when I shave, but still, he's supposed to be a professional. My razor skills are spotty at best.
I've been doing this whole terrible-haircut ritual for years now, all to save some bucks. These days, the place I go costs $16 bucks. And well, I think I'm done with it. I think I'm done with that kind of barber entirely. I don't think I've gotten a decent haircut in years. I always just get The Cut. And I'm reaching a point in my financial life where I am willing to pay a haircuttery $10 not to give me The Cut.
Posted at March 7, 2007 12:51 PM | Comments (18)
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You look fine! And always say tapered. When they square it, you need a haircut sooner. $$$
Posted by: Pagan Marbury at March 7, 2007 10:37 PM
Thanks, Pagan, but I'm chubby enough that hair that short makes me look a little too much like a penis.
And as for squaring requiring a haircut sooner... if I can't see it, how would I know that I need a haircut again? The Barber could put lightning bolts in the back of my head and I wouldn't know until some scene kid behind me in line at the Black Cat tells me how awesome my hair is. I have resolved to inquire of the DC Concierge where a man ought go to have his coiffure clipped for not too much cash.
Posted by: Barzelay at March 8, 2007 3:44 AM
This post is ridiculously true for most guys I know. I've received pretty much the exact same haircut for 20 years. One time I decided to change from tapered to squared in the back just to spice things up. But nope, really didn't notice any difference.
I suppose it's the price we pay for paying much MUCH less for haircuts and spending much MUCH less time on our hair than women. Basically, it's yet another concession to the fact that women will always look way better than us.
Posted by: Mike at March 8, 2007 9:57 AM
OMG..this is sooo true...you nailed it!!
i went with a guy once..to "tell the barber what he wanted"...the barber asked the question..
"what do ya want today?" we went into this elaborate speech..and then when we were done he just kinda looked at the boy and said..
"how bout we just do what we normally do?"
boy shrugged..and sat down..i picked up a playboy and sat quietly..until he was done with " THE CUT"..
lol..
xoxo
Posted by: suicide_blond at March 8, 2007 11:13 AM
I have heard the men's haircut theory that the more money you spend, the more TIME they spend... however, the outcome is always the same. ;)
I've addressed this pressing issue on my blog -
http://www.thedcconcierge.com/2007/03/as_long_as_its_.html
Because if you don't look good, we don't look good.
Posted by: DC Concierge at March 8, 2007 11:37 AM
DC Concierge has recommended a number of places.
Posted by: Barzelay at March 8, 2007 2:48 PM
I come out of the lurkosphere momentarily to tell you that this is one of the funniest postings I have read anywhere in a long, long time. Which is not to say that I don't feel your pain, because I do. At least yours only cost $16, in girlworld a Bad Cut costs ...well, much much more.
Posted by: Kbee at March 9, 2007 4:01 PM
Okay, well the bad news is, some of us have had bad haircuts (even worse if they were pricey bad haircuts). The good news is, you can shave your head for charity this Saturday at Fado. Proceeds go to Children's Cancer Research Foundation.
http://www.washingtonian.com/blogarticles/3585.html
Posted by: DC Concierge at March 9, 2007 4:36 PM
It's funny 'cause it's true!
Posted by: Haveyouseenlucky at March 9, 2007 5:02 PM
You paid $16?! Damn. I know thats a normal price for a regular city, but in Gainesville I get pissed if I have to pay more than $8. My last haircut here was $7, and it was perfect. Kind of exactly the same cut you described David, bottom and lower sides cut nice and short and neat, and the top barely touched at all, just kept in control.
One key may be knowing the codeword amongst barbers. The haircut that I just got that was perfect the lady called a "low fade." B+D in Seffner is a really good place too, if you like getting your hair cut by WWII vets. The good thing about WWII vets is that they can make you look really classically sharp if you're willing to go pretty short.
Posted by: Chris Santoro at March 9, 2007 7:05 PM
To avoid bad haircuts, I recommend going to a real salon. Having recently talked a male friend into this, I can guarantee that you'll be happy with a cut from a unisex salon. If you live in Cap Hill try Bubbles. He loved it; I love it; it costs $30 for a cut which ain't bad in this city!
Posted by: avocado at March 9, 2007 7:09 PM
When I first moved to DC, I was paying more than $30 for a very good haircut at a place in Dupont. Eventually I switched to a cheap barber shop closer to my house in Arlington: $13 per haircut, followed up by a head and back massage. The cuts aren't always as good, but at the same price I can afford twice as many of them if I need to.
Posted by: Jacob at March 10, 2007 1:25 PM
Chris, $16 is about the cheapest one will find in D.C. unless one goes to a black barber shop, which is not the kind of haircut I want. Even then, it would still be over $10. Jacob apparently found a place out in Arlington for $13 but it's certainly not worth the metro ride (which will cost more than $3 roundtrip) or driving cost just to save $3 from the District's cheapest. Cities are expensive.
Also, I got my haircut at B&D from age 0 through my senior year of high school. I am well acquainted with them. They still always gave me The Cut, but they gave it well. Also, their Barbicide was green, not blue. It still looked like it came out of the putt-putt lagoon. And, furthermore, I always got a tootsie pop there, which is more than I can say for the big city.
Posted by: Barzelay at March 13, 2007 2:38 AM
Avocado, to think that I've been going right next door from Bubbles and for the past two years enduring terrible haircuts. Capitol Barber is right next to Bubbles.
Oh, and there's thing about salons that is annoying and raises the barber's relative marketability: the walk-in factor. I can walk into the barber shop and leave with a (bad) haircut in under 45 minutes, every time, any time. To get it cut at a salon, I have to plan a week in advance and schedule an appointment.
Posted by: Barzelay at March 13, 2007 2:41 AM
David.... All you really need is a bottle of whiskey and some sharp scissors. Trust me.
Posted by: cooper at March 13, 2007 3:48 PM
this is why I cut my husband's hair. I can do The Cut just as good as the next guy, for free!
Posted by: janet at March 13, 2007 5:59 PM
This seriously might be the funniest thing I've ever read.........ever. (besides the "quote" from ur gma)
I always wonder why guys look so awful right after they get their haircut...and they know they look awful. Its always wayyyyy too short!!! But they act like there is nothing they can do it about it and that they had no control over the situation.
And now I know its b/c they have been given The Cut.
=)
Posted by: Jenny at April 17, 2007 12:08 PM
I totally sympathize. My "The Cut" was not only always too short, but also freakishly lopsided and patchy...enough to make me want to crawl under a rock. And this happened regardless of whether I went to a salon or barbershop. Even when I specifically asked the stylist not to do it. (Of course, they did it anyway...it's like they're conditioned to cut one side shorter than the other, as if shock-horror any guy would EVER want his haircut to look symmetrical.) So I decided I couldn't do any worse, and started cutting it my own damn self. I got one of those clipper/vacuum devices (Flowbee...I know: stupid name), and found out it was almost fool-proof, if you want your hair on top to be all the same length. If the vacuum cleaner you use is powerful enough to lift your hair straight out from your head, the clippers can cut it a uniform length. It has a taper attachment for the sides and back, if you want a tapered look. There's another product called Robocut, but I don't have any experience with that one. I recently started using regular electric clippers to taper around the ears, because the Flowbee can't cut shorter than about a half inch. I've been cutting my own hair for about 7 months now, with zero stress. It's gonna save me a lot of bucks, but the stress was really the main issue. And my growing exasperation with incompetent barbers and stylists.
Posted by: Zack at January 22, 2008 1:50 AM
