March 12, 2007
View Comments | Post CommentDrink Coke Zero, Sucker!
I just tried Coke Zero for the first time, and it freaks me out a little bit. Zero calories? I could eat the bottle and it wouldn't be zero calories. I find it very shady when there are supposedly edible items intended for human consumption that have zero calories.
Substances other than water don't start out with zero calories. Particularly not substances that are so sweet. They start out with bunches of calories, and then chemicals and chemical processes replace the flavorings with calorie-less substitutes. Can you imagine eating a steak, medium-rare, made entirely out of gelatinized, colored water? What kind of crazy chemicals have to go into the beverage to eliminate all those calories?
Earlier today I saw a homeless person sleeping underneath a Coke Zero advertisement. That advertisement was what prompted me to try Coke Zero. But perched, as it was, over a starving bum, it was as if Coca-Cola advertising execs were taunting this malnourished hobo, "Drink Coke Zero, dumbass!" and then snickering. I imagine them airdropping thousands of cases of Coke Zero over Ethiopia, telling them to drink up, and also don't forget to look under the caps for Coke Rewards prizes! And when the starving Ethiopians look under the cap, there's a message that says, "Joke's on you, suckers! Drink Coke, Play Again." It's a testament to the level of leisure in our society that we are expending massive amounts of capital on foodstuffs that offer as a selling point their total lack of nutrition.
It even says on the label, as if they're proud of the fact, that Coke Zero is "[n]ot a significant source of fat cal., sat. fat, trans fat, cholest., fiber, sugars, vitamin A, vitamin C, calcium and iron." So then what is it a significant source of? Dreams? Illusions? Slimmer waists, bigger breasts, longer penises? I am reminded of a quote from a 1948 law review article about the societal utility of advertising.
"The economist, whose dour lexicon defines as irrational any market behavior not dictated by a logical pecuniary calculus, may think it irrational to buy illusions; but there is a degree of that kind of irrationality even in economic man; and consuming man is full of it." Ralph S. Brown, Jr., Advertising And The Public Interest: Legal Protection Of Trade Symbols, 57 Yale L.J. 1165 (1948)
Imagine that you survive a plane crash in the wilderness, and you and the few survivors crawl over the wreckage in a desperate search for sustenance. Suddenly, Gary, one of the other survivors, yells out triumphantly from some point on the other side of the crash site, because he's found one of the plane's food containers. "Guys! Guys I've found it! We're saved! We're--ah, fuck. It's Coke Zero."
I realize that, in truth, Coke Zero and all other calorie-less products are not really calorie-free, they are just so low in calories per serving as not to reach one calorie. It's like having a low sperm count. Coke Zero probably won't knock you up, but I'd still make it wear a condom if I were you. And so if you ever find yourself starving in the wilderness, you could always guzzle several hundred twenty-ounce Coke Zeros to make a decent meal. But it would be easier just to eat the other survivors. And I suppose you could wash Gary down with one of the aspartame-sweetened bottles of carbonated water and caramel coloring. But I don't recommend it.
Instead, I recommend Coca-Cola Classic. You also can't live off of it, but at least it does what food is logically supposed to do in an ordered world: make you fat. I am highly suspicious of any food that will not make you fat in sufficient quantities. Butter will make you fat in sufficient quantities. Broccoli will make you fat in sufficient quantities. Lettuce in sufficient quantities, as everyone knows, will turn you into a bunny rabbit, but if you were a bunny rabbit, you would definitely be a fat bunny rabbit. On the other hand, Coke Zero, in sufficient quantities, will just give you cancer and an odd rubber-like chemical aftertaste. I want my food to give me a spare tire, not to taste like a spare tire.
Posted at March 12, 2007 2:25 PM | Comments (11)
Comments
Post a new comment
I was in Safeway paying for my stuff and analyzing the gum, thinking the same thing. If it has all those "tames" (aspartame) (I think there are others...right?)and sucralose and whatever else, we may be sparing ourselves the fat, but what is it costing?
Gimme real sugar!
Posted by: Bug at March 12, 2007 4:55 PM
I believe Nicole Ritchie is zero calories....other than that, I agree with your assessment. All diet drinks are bad and taste terrible anyway. Tab tasted like Satan's urine when it first came out, and I vowed never to drink a diet soft drink again. (nor any Pepsi product, save Mountain Dew)
Posted by: Phil at March 12, 2007 4:55 PM
Mountain Dew? Ugh. I remember all the playground talk about Yellow #5.
Now Mello Yello, that was a quality beverage.
Posted by: Barzelay at March 12, 2007 5:45 PM
Mmmmmm, sweet, sweet empty calories.
Next, dry water.
Posted by: Idagreen at March 13, 2007 12:32 AM
word on the street is that aspartame in enough quantity (a few room temperature 6 packs of diet coke) converts to formaldehyde in the body and accumulates behind the eye, which clearly poses a number of risks...
Posted by: nathan at March 13, 2007 11:04 AM
I don't mean to call out the joke, Nathan, but the idea that scientific theses can spread via street rumors made my day.
Posted by: Zhubin at March 13, 2007 11:53 AM
Wait, I thought true science was spread by the Church?
Posted by: Barzelay at March 13, 2007 11:59 AM
I love the blog that you have. I was wondering if you would link my blog to yours and in return I would do the same for your blog. If you want to, my site name is American Legends and the URL is:
www.americanlegends.info
If you want to do this just go to my blog and in one of the comments just write your blog name and the URL and I will add it to my site.
Thanks,
David
Posted by: David at March 19, 2007 11:22 PM
Of course celery is a food too, but it actually takes more calories to digest than it has in it. It's worse for you than Coke Zero then...hmmm, not artificial though.
Posted by: Lise at March 27, 2007 6:06 PM
A young man at the office bought this one day instead of the classic coke I normally get. So I grudgingly tried it; and it tasted better than other diet drinks to me. So I've opted to stay with it.
As it turns out my doctor put my on a low salt diet for 3 months, which went well with Zero's as it's very low sodium. After be on this diet for a month I started tasting the salt in every thing I went on a trip and got off my diet (just for the day) and had some fast food and Wow the salt it was amazing how much was there. Well now back to Zero, I'm starting to taste the salt there too but it's more closer to something else I encounter this last year Phospho-Soda! (a laxative) So I'm starting to rethink this choice. Perhaps I'll get my caffeine else where - maybe coffee. Thanks for Being!
Posted by: Thomas at April 11, 2008 9:28 AM
Heh I stumbled upon this article while looking for why Coke Zero had so few calories. While it didn't answer my questions, it's a very amusing read. =) Well-written and witty! Especially liked the part at the end (bunny rabbit!) and the crash on an island scenario, hehe. ^^
Posted by: jenn at May 24, 2008 9:37 AM
