January 19, 2007
View Comments | Post CommentMy Flower Girl
Scott Adams, creator of Dilbert, wrote on his blog about how he is baffled by romance.
"I was surprised to learn that doing household chores qualifies as romantic for most of you. That’s exactly why you should never hire a butler if you strike it rich – the minute that Jeeves starts unloading the dishwasher without being asked, your wife is going to start humping his leg.""Hypothetically, if you were to give your spouse a love note and flowers once a week for a year, all it would do is raise the baseline requirement. It wouldn’t be romantic anymore. Indeed, it would appear too easy. So in a sense, the thing that makes flowers and love notes romantic in the first place is… and wait for this pearl of wisdom… all the times that you DON’T give love notes and flowers."
"Romance, I’m told, is the delta between your selfish asshole baseline and the occasional deviations from that baseline. That’s why Donald Trump, for example, can’t stay married. As soon as you buy your wife a helicopter, a ski resort, and a staff of servants, you’ve set her up for certain disappointment."
I've never given a girl flowers. Never. Well, actually, once I surreptitiously took a single daisy and taped it to a girl's door when she was gone, but it didn't have the desired effect. It apparently confirmed her suspicions that someone was stalking her. She was like, "Ahhh! David, there's some weirdo who keeps leaving messages on my door and today I came home and there was a flower taped on it and then someone called my phone and then hung up! Twice! Ahhhh!" I was not responsible for the messages or the calls. And as for the flower, it doesn't count as "giving a girl flowers" because, A) I didn't obtain it for her, I just happened to have it when I was near her door, and B) she didn't know I gave it to her until after she freaked out about being stalked. The only other game that smooth is the olympic luge.
So, having never given a girl flowers, and having been quite vocal about said fact whenever an appropriate holiday comes up (Valentine's Day, anniversaries, girls' birthdays, graduations, etc.), I am just trying to make it really special for some girl when I finally do give someone flowers. My best pal Zeeshan even gave my girlfriend a bouquet of flowers on the night of one of her performances in a musical, and I did not. Sure, it was sweet of him. Sweet like a knife in the back. He was just making me look bad, that jerk! As a matter of fact, I would go so far as to suggest that anyone who gives a woman flowers is just trying to make me look bad.
But I tell you what: I'll break my tradition now. Yes, it's a special time in my life. A time of great love and happiness. And it's finally a worthy time for me for me to let go of that cheap old policy: so, to invoke a terrible mid-90's chat room meme (and it's always a good idea to invoke a terrible mid-90's chat room meme, BTW), here's a rose for all the ladies:
@-->-----
Don't be alarmed; that strange feeling is just your heart melting. Again, it takes a lot of elbow grease to polish one's game this smooth.
Posted at January 19, 2007 11:00 PM | Comments (9)
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you're lucky i was mad at zeeshan at the time, or i might have run away with him because of his bold and romantic gesture.
Posted by: jeanette at January 20, 2007 2:12 PM
Sorry Barzy, I didn't mean to upset you, and to be fair I gave you advanced notice and the chance to either A. stop me or B. give her flowers. However, you must realize that is only proper practice to give an actress flowers on her opening night performance.
As a side note, too bad Jeanette was mad...
-Z-
Posted by: Zeeshan at January 20, 2007 2:40 PM
Maybe if you guys run away together, someone will buy me flowers to console me.
Posted by: Barzelay at January 21, 2007 12:55 AM
So you're saving flowers for some really important special moment? So that when the girl gets flowers, she'll know you really mean it and that it's a big deal and is important? People will have sex, say "I love you," and more with less thought than you're putting into flowers. Come on - it's not a very big deal. If a girl likes flowers, make her feel good and buy her some... Roses, I think, are pretty cliche and thoughtless, but some cool or rare ones would probably feel like a nice expression of affection.
Posted by: Cara at January 22, 2007 10:32 PM
I'm not really saving it just to make it more special. I'm really saving it because I don't think flowers are worth what they cost (you might call it cheap, except that I'm not at all cheap when it comes to most other things).
I'd happily pick flowers somewhere and give them to someone. In fact, I used to pick flowers from our humongous yard growing up and give them to my mom. It's really more just coincidence that the circumstances have never happened to be right for me to give some girl flowers.
Posted by: Barzelay at January 23, 2007 1:13 AM
You're still the only boy who's ever given me a flower. And in retrospect, I appreciate it. I gave you flowers once, and it freaked you out.
Posted by: Lizzie at January 23, 2007 11:09 PM
I don't remember that. Why was I freaked out?
Posted by: Barzelay at January 23, 2007 11:15 PM
that flower looks like a lollipop.
Posted by: Claire at January 26, 2007 1:29 PM
I hope gay men are not supposed to give flowers, because I really have no intention of giving them as a gift. I like them, somewhat. But the entire enterprise seems a bit morbid.
"Here, darling. I have given to you dead sexual organs. Enjoy them for a week until they, like my love for you, eventually withers and dies. This will leave you with funky water and a mess to clean up. I hope this is a metaphor for our relationship."
Always seemed bizarre.
Posted by: jacob at January 26, 2007 2:55 PM
