June 7, 2006
View Comments | Post CommentOnly Assholes Have Car Alarms
I was trying to sleep in late this weekend. I was exhausted from my first week of work, moving into my apartment, and traipsing all about town searching for free furniture. Oh, and the amount of walking and bike riding that I've been doing has suddenly increased to their highest levels since sixth grade or so. I was quite tired.
So when a car alarm blaring continuously woke me up, I'm sure you'll understand that I was greatly annoyed. And when I'm significantly and needlessly annoyed, I tend not to just sit around and take it. The car's owner was nowhere in sight, so I did the next best thing. I left him a note.
But just so there's no confusion, I want everyone to know that the owner of a navy Ford Thunderbird, model year circa 1994, with California plate "3PIM011," is an asshole. That goes for anyone who equips their twelve year old sedan with motion-activated alarm, and, without exception, anyone who uses THE CLUB. Are there people left in the world who actually think car alarms are effective in deterring theft? And even if so, is there anyone who thinks their deterrent effects are worth their annoyance?
Posted at June 7, 2006 3:13 AM | Comments (18)
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haha, I love the letter Barzelay... Please let us know if it works!
-Z-
Posted by: Zeeshan at June 7, 2006 7:42 AM
What's wrong with THE CLUB?
Posted by: Jay Goodman Tamboli at June 7, 2006 11:44 AM
What's wrong with THE CLUB? Well, the main things wrong with it are the commercials they ran on television when THE CLUB was introduced. With THE CLUB, it's not that it's useless. In fact, THE CLUB is probably at least somewhat effective. It's more just... what kind of asshole would actually use one? And especially, what kind of asshole would use one on a car that is twelve years old and wasn't that great to begin with?
Posted by: David Barzelay at June 7, 2006 1:53 PM
Most car alarms are completely superfluous. I do not have a car alarm, and I don't care. I had a very nice conversation with a car insurance rep who explained that most cars have kill switches to deter hotwiring, and that no one really needs a car alarm.
Hence, all a car alarm will do is being extremely fucking annoying if say, someone tries to steal your car via a tow truck or flat bed truck (the so called "tilt" alarm) or you know, touches it or something (the "touchy" alarm). And if someone has a truck in use to steal your car, they're probably going to steal it anyway. No amount of squealing is going to stop that.
Posted by: meredith at June 7, 2006 4:32 PM
That's why I love reading your blog, Barzelay. You keep me creatively entertained.
Your reasoning re: The Club is impeccable. It may be effective, but it still makes one an asshole. I'm not sure the conclusion exactly follows here.
Posted by: Ben at June 7, 2006 6:49 PM
You should have left your URL under your name.
Posted by: Chris Santoro at June 7, 2006 7:01 PM
I am the kind of asshole that uses the Club on my year-old Pontiac Vibe. It doesn't chirp, whistle, wake the neighbors or start dogs barking. It's completely silent. All it does is deter auto theft. It doesn't bother anybody else.
So what kind of an asshole has a problem with that? Please explain.
Posted by: Rick at June 7, 2006 7:13 PM
Yeah, THE CLUB is in a different category from the alarms. The alarms are actively offensive, while THE CLUB is passively offensive. You at least have a decent car that you're protecting with your CLUB, which also affects the calculus of assholitude.
But let me explain THE CLUB's offensiveness by analogy. You know how popped collars don't really harm anyone, but they're nevertheless entirely stupid and offensive? Well, THE CLUB is similar. It's at least somewhat effective, and doesn't annoy anyone, but it's nevertheless offensive. I'm not saying that THE CLUB and popped collars are employed by the same people, just that there are similarities between the phenomena. A better comparison would be that people who use THE CLUB are also the kinds of people who are that guy who wears the t-shirt of the band to the show for the band.
Posted by: David Barzelay at June 7, 2006 7:45 PM
Does the fact that I get a nice hefty discount on my car insurance affect the calculus of assholeness where THE CLUB is related? I'm a poor college student, after all, and the nice discount my wonderful insurance agent added when I told him I had one makes it worth being an asshole. That's an extra $200 a year I can spend on other things.
Posted by: Erin at June 7, 2006 11:55 PM
I don't think there's anything offensive about using a club. I'm sure they're more effective at stopping car theft than alarms. And even if a car is old or unattractive, no one wants theirs stolen.
Good job on the note.
Posted by: Dallas Farrar at June 8, 2006 12:07 AM
Yeah, if you get an insurance discount, cool. Alright, fine. I admit it. You're not an asshole if you have THE CLUB. But it's still pretty hilarious. Again, I can't really explain the humor behind THE CLUB--you have to watch the commercials to understand.
For instance, given the commercials, I think it's inappropriate simply to say "The Club," "Club," or even "CLUB." If you don't type it in all caps with "THE" in front, you're simply not talking about same THE CLUB about which I'm talking.
Posted by: David Barzelay at June 8, 2006 2:01 AM
Here in Portland, it is my policy to remove the license plates from cars with touchy alarms. So far, I have 5 Oregon plates, 3 California, 2 Washington, 1 Virginia, 1 Texas, and 2 Utah. Collect them all!
Posted by: apcow at June 8, 2006 2:12 AM
Apcow, that's pretty hilarious. On the other hand, you're running afoul of the law quite egregiously. Presumably you did not employ THE CLUB on that hideously awesome car on your frontpage, right?
Posted by: David Barzelay at June 8, 2006 2:22 AM
When I was in middle and early high school, I was inquisitive, bored and prone to experimenting.
Sex, drugs, music and transportation. "Borrowed" transportation. (never damaged anything, returned the car, quit after novelty wore off). Newer cars? Impossible. Older cars? Easy.
Just saying, before you sneer at college students wanting to protect their older ride, keep in mind that GTA pros aren't the only ones to watch out for. There are bored 14-year-olds too.
(use kill switch myself)
Posted by: taking the 5th at June 8, 2006 3:10 AM
Definitely agree with the fact that old cars are stolen just as much if not more than nice cars. And people may not be protecting their cars cause they're super nice, but because they don't really want to walk the 10 miles they have to commute everyday. I know people who have had their cars stolen, and no matter what kind of car it is, it's horrible to have it gone and not be able to get a new one to get you around. So the club is completely understandable. I don't think it's asshole-ish or dorky or anything. If you're worried about your car being stolen, use it.
Posted by: Cara at June 9, 2006 5:59 PM
Actually, after I experienced a vandalism on my 2005 Saturn Vue, I decided to get a motion detected car alarm. Due to the fact, that my car's tires were slashed overnight in front of my window, I only plan to have it activated from the hours of 1130PM-400AM. If it does goes off unexpectedly, I can just hit the button to stop it since my car is located under my window. As far as me being an asshole towards my fellow tenants? I don't care. They are all ghetto any freakin way. So to me, the motion-detected car alarm is a neccessity in Chicago. Or at least this silly neighborhood I am in until I am able to move......
Posted by: Michelle at July 9, 2006 1:48 PM
I'm also an asshole that uses a car alarm. I use it to notify my when someones breaking into my shit so I can run out side with my .45ACP and shoot there stupid ass...to date i've gotten two unfortunate people who were dumb enough to break into my shit. But I will agree with you that if the alarm is going off for no reason that guy should have a note left like that, because i've never had mine go off falsely. and all I can say for the club is that it sure is a waste of money they pull right off the steering wheel with a lil muscle, what a waste of money
Posted by: steve at November 7, 2006 3:51 AM
Wow, the first sentence says it all. "I just finished my first week of work". Are you just out of high school or can't hold a job? Seems to me that anyone who doesnt want some asshole stealing his car is more than justified at alarming his valuable car. Unless you own your home, your car is usually your most valuable possession. I suppose though, that your most valuable possession might be your comic book collection.
Posted by: greg at June 11, 2008 9:23 PM
