June 8, 2006

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Alternative Dispute Resolution

When a pair of opposing attorneys in a Florida insurance case failed to resolve even simple scheduling disputes without the federal judge's intervention, he decided to impose a new form of alternative dispute resolution on them. The judge ordered the attorneys to meet on the steps of the courthouse at a specified time, and play "one (1) game of 'rock, paper, scissors.' . The winner gets to choose the location of the deposition. Yay for Clinton appointees!

UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT MIDDLE DISTRICT OF FLORIDA ORLANDO DIVISION

AVISTA MANAGEMENT, INC., d/b/a Avista Plex, Inc.,
Plaintiff,

-vs-

WAUSAU UNDERWRITERS INSURANCE COMPANY,
Defendant.

This matter comes before the Court on Plaintiff's Motion to designate location of a Rule 30(b)(6) deposition (Doc. 105). Upon consideration of the Motion – the latest in a series of Gordian knots that the parties have been unable to untangle without enlisting the assistance of the federal courts – it is

ORDERED that said Motion is DENIED. Instead, the Court will fashion a new form of alternative dispute resolution, to wit: at 4:00 P.M. on Friday, June 30, 2006, counsel shall convene at a neutral site agreeable to both parties. If counsel cannot agree on a neutral site, they shall meet on the front steps of the Sam M. Gibbons U.S. Courthouse, 801 North Florida Ave., Tampa, Florida 33602. Each lawyer shall be entitled to be accompanied by one paralegal who shall act as an attendant and witness. At that time and location, counsel shall engage in one (1) game of "rock, paper, scissors." The winner of this engagement shall be entitled to select the location for the 30(b)(6) deposition to be held somewhere in Hillsborough County during the period July 11-12, 2006. If either party disputes the outcome of this engagement, an appeal may be filed and a hearing will be held at 8:30 A.M. on Friday, July 7, 2006 before the undersigned in Courtroom 3, George C. Young United States Courthouse and Federal Building, 80 North Hughey Avenue, Orlando, Florida 32801.

DONE and ORDERED in Chambers, Orlando, Florida on June 6, 2006.

I'm totally in favor of absurd judicial orders whenever attorneys act absurdly. Or even if they don't. Any time a decision is entirely arbitrary, why not have a little fun with it? I'd definitely be doing this kind of thing if I were a judge. For instance, I tend to write very long law school exams, because I always end up including a ton of stuff intended solely to make the professors laugh.

But seriously, here's my proposal for our new legal system: Complainants shall have their choice of the following methods of dispute resolution. If the complainant desires, questions of fact or of law may be decided by:

• Staring contest
• Monster-truck race
• Paramilitary coup
• Thumb wrestling
• Dance-off
• Each side prays to its own god, and whichever side's god is first to deliver a sign, wins
• Steel cage match
• the penis game
• poetry competition
• Chili contest
• Skateboarding tournament
• Chariot race
• American Counsel, a new reality TV show
• 1-800-ASK-GARY

Posted at June 8, 2006 6:35 AM | Comments (2)

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