May 7, 2006
View Comments | Post CommentGULC 1L Moustache Contest
Andrew Doss has asked me to help rally the troops behind a cause so important that it makes the war on terror look like a Yo Mamma joke--a battle more noble than the English at Agincourt--a labor so great that, had he attempted it, Hercules could've forgone the other eleven--a travail so timeless and epic that it makes good vs. evil seem a mere trifle in comparison.
I sit here today, and there is so much else I could be doing; I have a Con Law final Monday, there is a new Red Hot Chili Peppers album out, I hear the call of the open road, beckoning me to my summer internship in San Francisco, and my movie queue is full to bursting point. But am I working on any of those things? Am I spending my time on the toils of mere mortals? Am I walking in the mud of the masses? No, friends. I walk on clouds, a better man than most. I have the rest of my life to do things like pass classes, be attractive to women, not look like a child molester, and have a face that doesn't itch. But I've only got another week to prove that my section is categorically superior to Section 3 by growing out my moustache. Sorry, finals, I've no time for you. I'm spending my every waking minute cultivating my manly facial hair.
And if Section 3 people happen to read this, I've a message for you: You might as well shave now. Your moustaches are puny and thin, and your women don't respect you--they date us instead. You don't have the fortitude to grow your moustaches like we do. The quality of your facial hair will be little better than your knowledge of the Federal Rules Of Civil Procedure. I'll see your Chused and raise you one Chuck "Norris" Abernathy. Your upper lips are smooth and bare. I would go so far as to call them "pretty." Even your gays are pissy and conservative, while ours are liberal and moustachioed.
Even our intelligence-gathering far rivals your own. We are all aware of your Little League attempts at motivational speaking. My fellow Section 2 people, observe the drivel they pass off as a rally cry:
By challenging us, Section Two has awakened a sleeping giant. They know not what they do. We will unleash enough upper-lip hair to choke a donkey... If you are able to grow even the nappiest of moustaches but choose not to, I will be very disappointed in you. Severe sanctions, I know. I may even unleash this sort of rhetoric, which I reserve only for hair-growth related dismay... So, please grow. If you are interested in some different styles of stash, behold...-Aaron "Barely Even Peach Fuzz Compared To Section 2" Goldhamer
We would never dally in moustaches as pedestrian as those Aaron recommends. When my section looks for styling tips, we go here.
So, Section 2, fear not rash nor ridicule. Support your section in this most important of events. We will win the Georgetown 1L Moustache Contest. If we are steadfast and intrepid, we will prevail. Anyway, our enemy will never be prepared for our secret weapon (codename: Seffrey Jenter), and they will crumble under the (still not that heavy) weight of a million coarse and macho Section 2 hairs. I leave you with some famous words from an amazing play; a play some might even call the Smokey & The Bandit of the Renaissance: Shakespeare's Henry V.
"We few, we happy few, we band of brothers... for he to-day that sheds his razor with me shall be my brother, be he ne'er so vile, this day shall make rugged his condition: And gentlemen in Georgetown now a-shaven shall think themselves accursed they were not here, and hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks that fought with us upon Finals day."-William "Had A Moustache, Was In Section 2" Shakespeare
Posted at May 7, 2006 1:54 AM | Comments (11)
Comments
Post a new comment
Your jealousy of our sweet stashes is overt and somewhat pathetic. I believe I am going to file a 12 b suckymoustache motion for your failure to grow a real moustache. Section three moustaches are truly American treasures, while section two stashes are akin to mass torts. Truly.
Posted by: Aaron Stashy Goldhamer at May 7, 2006 9:48 AM
Aaron, I haven't seen such optimism and quixotic hope from a ragged bunch of communists since Gorbachev's glasnost. Good luck applying your namby-pamby trash talk to the real world. Your system of centralized testosterone distribution is going to crumble against the strength of a hundred individuals pumping their own testosterone for the good of their family, their country and their way of life.
Posted by: Jonathan "mantastic" Miles at May 7, 2006 10:45 AM
Akin to mass torts? Wow, those aren’t war drums you’re hearing folks, they’re drum circles, and they aren’t being marched to, it’s more of a shroomed-up hippie spinning dance. I’ve heard enough about how manly section three is. If you’re wondering why you haven’t met most of these guys, it’s cuz they were too busy stealing Rogaine from their mothers’ medicine cabinets to show up more than 2 deep to any good time being had this year. Be careful smearing that stuff on your lips, boys. I’ve heard it was tested on animals. A threat? As my bestached friend Walter would say, “No, Donny, these men are nihilists, there's nothing to be afraid of…â€
Posted by: Craig Selleck Waugh at May 7, 2006 11:46 AM
That's a real hi-def picture of your 'stache you've got there. I think I can see your brain.
Posted by: Joel at May 7, 2006 2:21 PM
http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Lot/1970/
Posted by: New Disciple at May 7, 2006 3:02 PM
Please.
Posted by: Phil at May 7, 2006 4:20 PM
Lucas W is a beaver. Not only did he sent a worthless email three hours before complaining about too much email, but he betrays how section two is in-fighting. Crumbling. Falling apart at the seams.
You're right Craig, section three never has any fun.
Posted by: Aaron Manstache Goldhamer at May 7, 2006 5:13 PM
hey, so this comment has nothing to do with your post. i just wanted to let you know that we now have a McGill website @ http://mcgillhall.tripod.com/ we just started it last night and i don't know too much about HTML (tho i did manage to pull off what you see on the site), so if you have any suggestions of what should be added, lemme know!
- Lao
Posted by: Lao at May 7, 2006 6:12 PM
haha. you look like a trucker.
Posted by: sarahthustra at May 7, 2006 11:15 PM
Good. Truckers are real men. Thanks for the compliment. Do you hear that, Section 3? An unbiased observer said I look like a trucker! That should be a few points right there.
Posted by: David Barzelay at May 7, 2006 11:30 PM
I feel the need to vouch for David's facial hair abilities:
One year David returned from school with so much facial hair that I was convinced his parents had taken a foreign exchange hobo and sent David to another country for the summer. It was terrifying.
Seriously, Section 3 has no idea what they are messing with. You've heard of a Five O'Clock Shadow? David has a 10 a.m. Shadow. Give it up, girls, 'cause you're going to be embarrassed.
Posted by: Amanda at May 9, 2006 12:11 PM
