April 30, 2006

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IKEA Strategy Guide

This strategy guide for how to beat IKEA is hilarious. It's written in the style of a video-game walkthrough. After today's trip to the College Park IKEA, it is particularly pithy.

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 __      __  ___     _______         ___      
|  |    |  |/  /    |   ____|       /   \ 
|  |    |  ’  /     |  |__         /  ^  \ 
|  |    |    <      |   __|       /  /_\  \   
|  |    |  .  \     |  |____     /  _____  \  
|__|    |__|\__\    |_______|   /__/     \__\ 
                                              
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IKEA WALKTHROUGH v2.3.1
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IKEA is a fully immersive, 3D environmental adventure that allows you to role-play the character of someone who gives a shit about home furnishings. In traversing IKEA, you will experience a meticulously detailed alternate reality filled with garish colors, clear-lacquered birch veneer, and a host of NON-PLAYER CHARACTERS (NPCs) with the glazed looks of the recently anesthetized.

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OBJECTIVE
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Your goal is to successfully traverse the five awesome worlds of IKEA before your patience runs out. On your first few tries this may seem like an impossible task, but with practice (and this IKEA Walkthrough!) you will soon be able to muster the sense of numb resignation necessary for victory.

My favorite line is this:

"IKEA veterans know the secret to defeating this level: While waiting in line it’s crucial that you NOT CONTEMPLATE YOUR MERCHANDISE!... Do not try to reconcile your recent participation in anti-globalization protest parades with the fact that you are now on the verge of buying an armchair that somehow costs 23 bucks.

Thanks to Joel for the link.

Posted at April 30, 2006 2:13 AM | Comments (1)

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