January 20, 2006
View Comments | Post CommentUrinals vs. Stalls
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I hate urinals. If given the choice, I always choose a stall. I almost never poo anywhere but my own bathroom, so this is just about peeing, but sometimes I will wait for a stall even when there are urinals open. I really fucking hate urinals! Until two days ago, I took it as a given that everyone else also hated urinals, and that those who used them merely chose different constants in the calculus of whether or not to wait for a stall. Maybe some people hated them less than others, but at the very least, I assumed everyone would choose a stall over a urinal when given the chance. But, two days ago, my bathroom world was shattered!
While standing in a line in the Men's room during our break from class, it became apparent that the stall next to us was open, while the urinals were all taken. There were three people ahead of me in line. Being a gentleman, I pointed out the error to my bathroom buddies. "Hey, this stall is open."
They each said some form of, "That's okay. I'm waiting for a urinal."
"Whaaaaaaaaaat? Waiting for a urinal?"
"Yeah. They're all taken right now."
"Whaaaaaaaaaat? Okay, suit yourselves, suckers!" And I went into the spacious stall, peed, washed my hands, and exited, leaving at the same time they did. It was really quite shocking and may have changed my entire worldview.
Some of the females reading this blog may not understand my aversion to urinals, and some of the males might also feign ignorance. But do not be fooled! The dirty little secret of urinals is that one cannot pee into one of them without the pee spraying back on one's leg. It's true! It is too fine a spray to make visible droplets on the leg, it is just a fine mist of urine. If one is wearing pants or long shorts, one hardly notices unless one looks down. Perhaps that is why it is standard practice to look straight ahead when using urinals--it's the only way to ignore the fact that we are peeing on our legs.
I, for one, dislike peeing on myself. All the more so when wearing nice clothing and in public. Now, I know there are certain techniques to avoid spraying on oneself, but none of them are really acceptable.
- Technique A is simply to limit the force of one's stream to such a low volume and velocity that no spray is created. This is effective, but peeing so slowly is extremely uncomfortable and unsatisfying.
- Technique B is much less effective, but, given the right urinal, can sometimes work. It is to pee in a certain lower corner, either right or left, and find just the right angle that, given the urinal shape, the spray goes instead to the other side of the urinal, and not onto the leg. Unfortunately, this technique doesn't always work, and always results in a certain amount of error while trying to find the spot.
- Technique C is similar to Technique B. In Technique C, one pees into the upper left or right corner of the urinal, and attempts to find the angle where the spray goes down into the urinal, rather than out at oneself. This is slightly more effective than technique B since gravity is helping one out, but this has all the same problems, along with one more: in this case, one is often peeing so high that if one messes up (and as I said, there is always a certain degree of error here), the pee spray is getting on one's shirt, which is infinitely more terrible than pee spray getting on one's leg.
And then there is Technique D. Technique D is almost 99% effective in preventing pee spray from touching the body. It is my technique of choice, and, though it occasionally makes the bathroom experience take longer overall, it is definitely the preferred method. Technique D is to avoid urinals and pee into a fucking toilet.
You know what? I don't even need stalls. Replace urinals with toilets, and I'll pee into them in full view. I don't care. But I don't think it's too much to ask that I not have to pee on myself in order to pee in a public restroom. So, yes, I will sometimes wait quite a long time (sometimes I'm willing to wait longer than others) in order to avoid using a urinal. Other times, I need to go very badly (which almost always ensures copious spray getting on the legs) and so I will not wait for a urinal. And in those moments, I curse the bathroom gods for their cruelty. It is man's burden. Women will bleed once a month, and suffer the pain of childbirth, but our punishment for original sin is to piss all over ourselves like feeble old hobos and paraplegics.
In any case, I understand that urinals are more environmentally conscious since they use less water. But when I weigh the environmental damage caused by my flush against the discomfort of knowing I just peed on myself, I generally have to choose the former. And when someone else not only will not wait for a stall, but in fact desires a urinal over a toilet, it perplexes me. After much thought, I've come to a conclusion that might explain the behavior of my McDonough Hall bathroom compatriots: Harrison Whitman (§2, JD, 2008) is into watersports.
Update: Chris Santoro has posted a commentary on the subject, including a detailed analysis and explanation of the physics behind proper Technique B pee procedure.
Posted at January 20, 2006 1:19 PM | Comments (14)
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I am so happy for potty talk. Seriously. Also, the psychology building here was once a men's dorm, so all the bathrooms have a urinal in addition to the stalls. I haven't used one yet...maybe if we get drunk in a lab again...
Posted by: Cara Bohon at January 20, 2006 3:12 PM
Ive provided an in depth guide to Tech B on my journal. I generally prefer urinals because of the speed of access, but I would never do something so insane as to waste my time waiting for one or the other.
When I pee in a stall, I lift the seat and flush with my foot, in addition to opening the stall door by the top where less people would be likely to touch it.
Then if noone else is in there I promptly leave without washing my hands.
Posted by: Chris Santoro at January 20, 2006 6:54 PM
Yeah, if I wash my hands in a public bathroom, it's because of having to touch things in the bathroom--the doors, the lock, etc. I use my foot wherever possible. But I never wash my hands merely on account of having touched my own penis. Unless, that is, I'm going to be touching food or something, in which case I always wash my hands regardless of having gone to the bathroom.
Posted by: David Barzelay at January 20, 2006 7:01 PM
Thanks, Mr. Barzelay, for ruining my bathroom experience....or, maybe, for making it all the more better. I never really put much thought into the "splash concept," but you're right. Dammit.
See you in line.
Posted by: Jay at January 21, 2006 12:50 AM
This is an interesting piece. However, I must mention that many times when you pee into a toilet, the pee does splash back. If you do not believe this, urinate naked into a toilet (preferably your own) and you may find that you will have tiny drops come back on you. (Sorry to pee on your parade).
-Z-
Posted by: Zeeshan at January 21, 2006 3:30 AM
Z, I regularly pee naked. In fact, it's one of my favorite pastimes. Perhaps it is something to do with the shape of my penis, my height, or the velocity with which I urinate, but toilets do not spray except at a few very particular angles. One need only pee into the water instead of onto the upper bowl across from oneself in order to avoid spray.
Posted by: David Barzelay at January 21, 2006 5:27 AM
I propose Technique E: following the contour.
Allow me to explain. Water only splashes when it hits something at a steep enough angle. If you cause this angle to be shallow, no spray is observed. I find that by utilizing the sides of the urinal, all spray can be avoided, diverting the urine harmelessly along the side to the back. This only works with urinals with sides, but fortunately they quit making the ugly bulbous urinals in the 70s, so nearly all do. Some designers have tried to utilize this by making urinals with steeply sloped backs, effectively extending the sides in to a point. These smart urinal designers should win a Nobel prize in awesome.
Posted by: Daniel at January 22, 2006 5:41 AM
That's subject to all the same pitfalls as B. Basically, that is B, but is even less effective, because you're only dealing with horizontal angle, and not vertical angle.
Posted by: David Barzelay at January 22, 2006 11:40 AM
My problem with stalls is that I often feel like I'm urinating "for an audience." I'm not normally pee-shy (I'd like to think I could whip it out and pee right in front of the Queen of England if I had to), but I don't like the "echo" that occurs when I'm engaged with the toilet. The urinal offers a much more silent operation.
My problem with public bathrooms is this: why are more of them not equipped with doors that open out (from inside the bathroom) with no handle, rather than doors that open in? That way, you could enter the bathroom, wash your hands as necessary, and then exit without touching the handle, thus preventing further hand dirtying.
And as James Spader notes in Boston Legal, I keep a very clean penis. I never wash just because of touching myself, but because I've invariably touched something else since entering the bathroom.
Posted by: Joel at January 22, 2006 10:24 PM
I'd like to preface this comment as only being relative to "#1" and the man's perspective:
I've noticed the subject of handwashing is broached but not thoroughly discussed. I'd like to point out my personal belief that one's junk is most likely cleaner than just about anything in a bathroom, public or otherwise. Really we should be washing our hands on our way into the bathroom. I find it interesting the different scenarios where it's perfectly acceptable to leave without washing one's hands vs. where it's obligatory othertimes.
I think urinals facilitate making a clean escape. I don't go out of my way to not touch anything, but if I do mange it, I'm out of there without washing my hands. Unless I'm at work.
You may find this link to a flash game on bathroom etiquette interesting:
http://games.download3000.com/play/the-urinal-game
Posted by: Ross at January 25, 2006 11:41 AM
Well, NI just has some amazingly nice bathrooms. Those things are spic n span anyway. If I still worked there, I'd spend as long as possible in the bathrooms, and handwashing would be one of the highlights of my day, second only to peeing.
Posted by: David Barzelay at January 25, 2006 11:46 AM
It is true. Although I am a female I can confirm the splash effect. I work at a gym cleaning the locker rooms and bathrooms. I ALWAYS have to mop in front of the urinals because the tiles are literally yellow, not to mention sticky, by the end of the day. I share in your hatred of urinals and wish they were banned.
Posted by: kbconn2 at December 7, 2006 1:40 PM
You've probably never been accused of being gay, have you?
Posted by: phil at January 5, 2007 6:04 AM
The urinals in my high school had in the center a convex (pointing toward you) bump with convex throughs on each side, so there was no splashback. I was shocked when I fist saw it. It suprises me that all urinals don't do that.
Posted by: dan at October 21, 2007 3:50 PM
